Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jessica's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
1:49 pm	On the edge of your seat Derek and I talked, turns out this bitch was PYSCHO! well anyway she thought derek is her boyfriend and blah blah blah...I'm not to worried about it. Derek is pissing blood, he's been for amost 2 days and he went to the hospital, becuase I made him, and they found out that there is something in his kidney that looks like cancer! (=:^O) He getting the resluts back to see whiether or not for sure that is tommorow. His friend Mike's mom is going to work over time tonight too get the results in tommorow around 4pm, so I have to wait til he gets his break to see if it is cancer or not. Iam soooo scared! but if it is, I'm not going to break up with him or anything like that, I'm going to stick by him, becuase He deserves a good woman, and I am that good woman for him! I love him alot and nothing is going to stop me from marrying him, expecially the "Big C..." I'll let you know what goes one tommorow. Later dayz. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 20th, 2002
5:49 pm	Were these boots made for walking? Okay...I think I can say it, "Here we go again." I found out something Derek's email, something that has stirred some buttons inside me and pushed the "panic" button. This Michelle Hall woman, or so she calls herself wrote this: hey there. how is the jerk doing???? you know i cant believe you. you are the biggest lier ever. I so wanted to marry you but there is no way in hell would i marry you now. not after what you just did to me. thanks for everything. i loved you so much. everything you have ever said to me was a big fat lie. like you said you would wait for me and that you wouldnt date anyone. well thats a lie...and in fact we never have broken up yet so really you are actually cheating on me wiht some girl there. well i hope your happy with her. just so you know you broke my heart again. thanks for everything Michelle Okay...here's my crisis....I know I shouldn't have been snooping, but You know me and how I have to have everything perfect in my relationships, so I just had to look...but see he told me I was the only and first girl he's ever loved, and ever asked to marry, and he told me that I was the only one that he has ever had feelings for....ummmmmmm...no...not true....so should I confront him, ingnore the email, or do you think by the way it sounds he told her about me? This is making me upset because what if he's just going to lie to me like he did this girl, or is he telling the truth and really wants to marry me...or is this all an act? Maybe he doesn't want know what he wants and is just confused... am I parnoid or being realizitic? Well he and I are just going to have to have alittle talk tonight, and see if these boots are just ready for walking...I'm pissed....and he's going to know about it. later dayz kidz. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 18th, 2002
1:22 am	drifting thoughts Jason wants to go out with me, but he gave up...you think if guys wanted to go out with you, they'd try harder, but i guess not. I love Derek, but these guys that are all over me, are just annoying. Some how i feel like it is my fault you know? I just have to make everything so damn perfect in my life, because I want everyone else to be happy and not just me. Well I am going to be selfish and think about myself this time iam going to be happy, iam very happy with derek! He is so sweet and romantic and i just love him to death! he is the king of my world and iam the queen! we are going to get married and iam so happy that I finally found the perfect guy for me. I'm not miserable anymore and either is he! So fuck nathan and Jason they can find someone else to love...They don't need me...they'll just bring me down instead of up like derek is. I love him soooo much! well iam going to go. Later dayz. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
10:45 pm	Best summer of my life Derek and I are still together and still going strong! I never knew being inlove felt this great! I guess they are right, when you inlove everything seems brighter...I am never going to forget this summer, I have been having fun ever since I met Derek! I fall inlove with him all over again almost everytime we're together...he is so sweet! we're spending the whole day together tommorow, mom and dad are going to visit Vonnie in Ohio and he and I are puppy sitting. We're making breakfast in the morning, and spending the day watching movies and swimming! I can't wait! well I better go...later dayz. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 27th, 2002
3:49 pm	Insecurity Well carrie's in Arizona til the 6th of august. Work is giving me more hours! yippee!!! I'm getting like 5 to 6hours now! :^) Derek and I have our one month anniversary tommorow! :^D iam so excited! I have finally found my soul mate, i can't believe it, iam so happy, no more depressed journal enteries now! Jason and nathan have been trying to contact me but i'll cutting them off for good...no more of that shit! derek is the only one for me! Josh is getting married next month...i couldn't take it anymore of kimmie trying to talk to me and bragging about his g/f and how pretty and funny she is...so I blocked her email...I just didn't want any of them in my life, becuz I have derek now. Derek thinks i still have feelings for Josh,he's insecure, I mean thats alright, but He just needs to know that I'm bitching about Josh because he is such an asshole, there is no way in HELL that I want him back or any of them back! (ex's) Doesn't he know I only want him? He needs to calm down about this and just chill out...i'm not paranoid about anything in our relationship, and thats actually the first time that has ever happened to me, I actually fully trust him with my whole heart, there isn't an ounce that doesn't trust him. His a guy and I guess all guys go through that insecure thing, oh well. I'll just have to try harder to love him I guess...even though I'm giving him my all, i guess its not enough. Well got to go. later dayz. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 30th, 2002
3:05 pm	Local guy hey, so i met someone around here finally! he's from franklin..he's names derek watson, graduated from franklin in 99'! going out friday gonna see spiderman! :) wonder if nikki knows him...well gonna go. later dayz (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 26th, 2002
1:30 pm	My date with destiny okay,well...its not destiny,its john, but it sounded cool for a title! :) well iam going over to his house, he's coming at 4pm,in 3 hours....iam so excited! :D he's going to cook for me, and we're going to watch some vid's...i'm repeating myself i know, but iam trying to do something to occupy my time...i could do my chemisty,but i don't have my book. maybe i will try to do some of it...i need to paint my nails too...they're lookin' alittle ragged...well gonna go,later dayz (Comment on this)
Friday, May 24th, 2002
9:29 pm	Memorial day weekend (4 day weekend!) hey there, well going to john's this weekend,yay! gonna spend the night! he's picking me up around 8pm or so. so we'll get there around 10pm, watch a couple vid's and bullshit the whole night, he's friends are coming over too, so i get to meet them,he is soo sweet! wondre if he'll bring me flowers again...have to wait and see what sunday brings then huh? Talked to Jay, he and I are still cool...he's upset he's home this weekend cuz if he woulda stayed in pitt. i could have went and seen him, but nope...oh well...his lose. Went out to dinner at kings with nikki and mitchel,finally, we had a good time, haven't got to talk to her for a long time,we better soak it up cuz we're not gonna be able to talk when i go to college! thats a bummer,but we can come together on weekends at the same time and visit...or go visit each other if we're not too far apart. in 3 days schools out,yes! iam so glad i have a job,maybe by the time fall rolls around i can have enough money to by "steve" (my own car, already named) :) hehe...well iam going to go to sleep...very tired....laterz days! (and iam actually in a good mood for once!) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
1:50 pm	depressed Okay, now i know that iam never going to find someone to date and iam going to float through life like a lump of shit. John and i are still dating but i mean there the distance u know? iam never gonna find anyone around here ethier...**sighs** this fucking sucks! why can't i find a nice guy around here to date? GR! damn it....oh well...i mean i really really like john and he likes me too, and i still have jason, but ethier of them want to go out with him becuz of the distance...it sucks! man....whats happening to me? am i cursed from love? or am i a fool for love? well what ever it is it driving me fucking crazy! i just wanna go to pittsburgh now! so i can get a b/f damn it! well iam going to go sleep....later dayz. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 20th, 2002
7:46 pm	Back in the dating game hey,well i know i said i gave up on love, and i did, but i think its giving me a second chance. I met this guy named john holub, he lives in pittsburgh,he's 26 and a mailman! :) mom and dad think he looks like steve...which he does and that is so cool! he brought me flowers! (dad thought that was so nice) we went to the movies and seen murder by numbers and he took me to the olive garden! he is so sweet and majorly funny! :D he cracks me up. when we were in the resturant,we stared into each others eyes b4 we left and i thought i was going to melt! **sighs** i think i'm starting to fall in love with him. i wrote him an email today b4 work and took him that i think we have something special, but i also told him if he wants to date other women that was fine too and i would understand if we wanted to stop dating becuz of the distance! i really really like him...i hope he calls me tonight, but i doubt he will...but oh well. gonna go. later dayz. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
7:52 pm	Pretty good so far! i'm getting over josh slowly,but surely, and iam getting better day after day! :) jason and i are getting to be real close. but no dating tho. we just good friends. school's been good...getting good grades and only have 12 days left! woohoo! iam so excited, i want summer to come so i can run around,get bad sleeping and eating habits and go party YES! :) lol...well everything's good here...i'm gonna go. i'm getting tired. later dayz (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 12th, 2002
3:04 pm	lazy day hey its 3:00pm and i'm in my pj's still, chillin' on the computer,and listening to my woman,pink! i made mom a card on the computer,printed it out and tied ribbons on it...i got creative! i was in a good mood last night. dad called,got to wish mandy a happy mom's day..woohoo...and going to send her card in the mail,along with sarah's x-mas and b-day presents...alittle late? yeah i'll say so...lol...oh well better late then nothing at all. lauren's coming over gonna come up, i think to get out of the house, her mom's being a bitch, and i think she gets tired of it...she said needs to print something out on the computer...but she just got a new printer...hmmm...something wrong with that picture? lol...well iam a good person, anyone can come over,doors always open! :) well iam going to go...later dayz. (Comment on this)
12:13 am	not so bad hey well everything is cool. jay and i are still talking, and i made up this guy named brian and told him we were going on a date, so see if he'll get jealous..but he's not so far. gonna have "brian" ask me out here durning the week and see what he does. i think he is getting jealous. but oh well...maybe he does want to date me in the future...well josh is getting married...**sighs** yeah i know i know...i know how to pick them huh? ah christ iam never gonna find mr. right man...jay won't date me, so my hopes aren't up on him...never were after the first time he hurt me. So here we are lonely and miserable...but its not so bad. i'm getting used to it. got to go, later dayz. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
9:16 pm	what the hell? hey well today was alright. didn't get to do too much. carrie came over, jake came over talked to me, and dad blew up cuz of this whole jake,and his mom thing. but i'm used to it. i got POD-Satellite--> AWESOME! i'm bored. i'm writing alot these days. some really good shit too. but i just don't get it sometimes, poeple get so scared becuz they don't know what they want, or what's going to happen...why can't people just except change u know? the same routine is so boring...iam never going to have a routine in my life...never...iam always going to try new things, and talk to different people...and iam always going to let poeple into my heart. Mom says once u get older u learn not to trust people...i already do that now...but i just let the right people in that i think are right...and they have been...just not to mom and dad you know? they don't know the people in my life like i do...they only know from what i tell them and they get scared for me, you know? but its understandable..but i guess i'm really not going to understand it i have kids of my own, but i understand fully though, but right, now i'm just going to go through life, saying,"eh, what the hell..." (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 5th, 2002
8:53 pm	another shitty day still numb. I don't know what to do with myself now that i come home and i have no one to look forward to call and talk too and someone to cheer me up,to brighten my day. I mean i have jason, but everytime i talk to him i feel bad about myself cuz all he wants is sex and its never gonna be what i want, he isn't going to be wanna date me, or nothing. i just want him so bad..i know we'd make a good couple...but he never wants to talk about that or anything, and it upsets me. i just want someone to love me. I don't want a long distant thing ethier does me, but iam not going to find anyone around here and if i wait to date him when i get into college i fear its going to be too late you know....oh well i think i'm just be like ths for the rest of my life, so it doesn't matter anymore. lifeless and numb isn't so bad. got to go (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
7:48 pm	still a lifeless zombie Its exactly one month today iam single...funny, i thought i'd be more happier about it, i mean no guys to weigh me down, no more phone calls, (except from mikey) and no more love...i'm giving up on the love godess, Venus you have failed and disappointed me way to many time...but i mean it was good while it lasted you know? i'm glad i got the chance to date josh and nathan, and bobby, they have all taught me lessons in my life. Josh taught me not to fall inlove way to fast, like i did. Bobby taught me that drugs are bad...(mmmmkay) lol..and nathan taught me that pysch wards suck ass, and its not fun, and its not game! Jason taught me some guys just don't know what the fuck they want,except sex. Jason,as i said,would play with my head, and at least i caught it this time before my heart got broken again, but i realized it can't get broken, becuz its already crumbled into a million pieces, and swept under the rug. My hearts done getting hurt, my mind is tired of racing,being confused, and telling my conscience to give me advice becuz its to stupid to tell my heart to stop falling inlove. But the good thing is i'm writing again, there for awhile i wasn't...i just didn't care, but now my hearts numb, all my emotion is coming out of my fingers again. :) i love writing it helps me get through all my fucked up shit. i'm such an idoit for ripping up my last poetry book, i had some good ones in there...but i'm just starting over. and this time mom won't have anything to freak out about, and call me home to discuss it. (scream at me, and threaten to send me back to that awful reched place!) Carries moving to the trailor court down the road, so i'll have someone to talk to! even though she's being a major bitch to me, so i think i'll just keep my mouth shut for awhile. before i lose her and she starts making fun of me like the rest of them. u should see work...all iam is a big fucking joke to them all, no wonder they won't fire me, i'm thier entertainment! wow, and i thought mcdonalds wanted to see my smile? well not while i'm working with those assholes they won't see mine (Comment on this)
Monday, April 8th, 2002
7:50 pm	bored i dunno if i should go out with jason or not i mean he's a nice kid, but i just don't think we click well in my opinion u know? well i got time to think about it. later. (Comment on this)
7:28 pm	welcome 2 dumpville (again) wow iam proud of myself,this is the third relatiosionship that went down the tubes in 10 months! how lucky is that? eh,fuck it! well,here we go again,bitterness,being a bitch, and salking, but even 10 times worse conserating this one was gonna be my fiance...ha! oh there i go, 2 ex fiance's in a year! how about that!? i must be the shittiest, worst girl to ever go out with. i mean hell what the fuck did i ever do to any of those assholes huh? all i did was give them my love, and this one (josh) i gave him my undying love, made promises, heard promises, and yeah....sure...jess ya always know how to pick em' don't you? **sighs** well jason still is begging me to go out with him, but i know it ain't gonna work out cuz...it just ain't..he plays with my head to much u know? and beside josh said he'd come back to me after everything clears up! HAHAHA! we'll take a look in about a year and see if i'm right,or still where i left off,miserable, alone, drunk, and not getting laid. well i got shit to do. later dayz. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
7:08 pm	7 more days! hey, 7 more days til i go see the man of dreams!! iam so excited! i seen nathan last weekend and sadly, the love i once had had now faded away, but now i know that josh is the one for me, i just hope he feels the same way, and still proses!! :) i'll tell ya what happens when i come back okay? later dayz. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2002
5:06 pm	i fucking hate guys! i don't really hate guys, but i hate them crawling all over me, because i'm going out with josh, and i don't want to break anyone's heart so maybe i'll just stop talking to jason and nathan..i don't know....this sucks....i just wishmarch 30th was here....i wanna see josh sooooooo bad its killing me!! (Comment on this)